Tuesday, July 12, 2016

I'm Jealous.

Ok, I am just going to say it. 

I am jealous. 

I am jealous of my friends.

I am jealous of my friends who have family that lives close. 

I am jealous of people whose parents are still alive. I'm even more jealous of the ones who choose not to have a relationship with that parent, for whatever reason. 

I am jealous of cheap childcare. In Okinawa I didn't realize how good we had it, prices here are WEEKLY what we paid monthly. 

I am jealous of people who have family that watches their kids, for free. So they actually get to TAKE HOME their paycheck, instead of handing half to social security and the other half to childcare. 

I am jealous of my friends who have brothers and sisters. Who have relationships with them, and especially those who have sisters. 

I am jealous of cousins. Something that my kiddos don't have, and who knows if they ever will. 

I am jealous of work. Those who go to work, and their mind is fully on their work all day. They aren't half thinking about if their kids are safe, or being cared for. They are fully attentive to their patients/workload. 

I am jealous of close commutes, something I used to take for granted. 

I am jealous of my husband. He has great friends, and has activities. 

I am jealous of friendships, I have yet to find someone to really be my friend here. It could be me, or it could just be the timing. But it's lonely to not have a girlfriend close. 

I am jealous of old friendships. Something I really don't have much of anymore. Those friends from highschool.. I'm jealous of the friendships that lasted. (although I know it's my fault I don't have them, I still long for them). 

I am jealous of runners. My hip sucks, mega sucks and I can't run anymore. 

I am jealous of kids.  I love them, I would have more of them. At least one more, but ^^^^ remember that no family thing... and expensive childcare....

I am jealous of stay at home moms. I love my kids, I love my time with them I wish there were more hours in the day. 

I am jealous of those who don't feel this overwhelming jealousy everyday. 

I am jealous. 

I'm working on it. I'm trying to be thankful. But today sucked. Our nanny quit 30 minutes before she was supposed to work. I have just been having a hard time and so tonight I decided that I was going to let myself throw a pity party for about 15 minutes while the kids watch Shimmer and Shine. Because tomorrow it's back to work, back to looking for childcare, back to laundry and lunches and commutes. Back to patients and gas prices and grocery lists. Back to happy kids and thankfulness for the abundance of good things in my life. Because truly, I do have a great life.

But for right now. 

I am jealous.