"There's the way it ought to be, and there's the way it is." - Platoon
^^ That quote my dad wrote in a book, as to one of his favorite quotes in life.
Most days I am among a lot of people and do the "Why me?" It's easy to do. Think about how many times a day you think to yourself how bad things are, or 'ughhhhh why does this always happen to me'. I am frequently that person. In my childhood years I was convinced I was cursed, that if something bad was going to happen, it would happen to me. Now, after having two grandmothers die on my birthday and among other problems like car accidents, hip surgeries, arthritis I felt like it was all ONLY happening to me.
So then last week, when I lost my Dad. I was reflecting on his life. He was drafted into the Army, shot twice, lost jobs, got divorced got cancer and then ultimately lost his battle with cancer. I started thinking man, maybe HE had the bad luck!
But, then today. Today it was like the song, 'I saw God today.' It's how I felt. I felt like FINALLY (after being a debbie downer for a while) I realized how good my life really is. (please don't judge me). I thought about my Dads life. He LIVED. I mean, he really did. He did things he always wanted to do. He had a child and watched her grow up, he walked her down the aisle and then got to welcome three grandchildren into the world.
Now, his last year/years of life were ridden with pain and suffering so he was ready. The last week he was alive he was on hospice care in the hospital. They finally got him comfortable and he would fall asleep. He would randomly open his eyes really fast, look around (like he was lost) and then say, "Shit, I thought I had gone."
If that doesn't show you how ready he was to see Gods face, I don't know what else there is. He was ready, he had accepted his fate and knew it could be unchanged. Instead of soaking in self pity and depression he was accepting of what God wanted for him. I wish last week I would have had this revelation that I did today. Because honestly, he had a good life. There is nothing more I could have asked for than to have my Dad my whole adolescent/young adult life. Leading me and teaching me. There are kids who lose their parents as BABIES, and then there are BABIES who lose their life. It's a heartbreaking and mind numbing thought when I think about those people, I hurt for them. I know God has a reason for everything he does, sometimes it is hard to believe and equally hard to accept but, I know that God has put me through trials in my life to make me stronger and it undoubtably has made me stronger in my personal life, my motherhood skills and the most important in my faith, the faith that occasionaly has a hard time weathering the storm.
Sorry this was kind of a ramble. But, If there is one thing I hope to get across, it's that we all have such an abundance of blessings in our lives and sometimes we are unwilling to acknowledge them. Think about the things you are thankful for today. I would love to hear them.
Here are a few pictures of my Dad throughout his life. Blessings and memories that I am going to hold in my heart, instead of the last few years of heartache.
"All battles are fought by scared men who'd rather be somewhere else." - Movie In Harms Way. He said this was exactly how it felt to be in a war, scared to death all the time.
Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, in a cloud of smoke. Thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming WOW, what a ride.
